Of heroes, bravery, and courage (an evolving thought)

Common scenario I've come across lately:
I tell someone that I'm having a mastectomy by choice, because I have the breast cancer gene, and I'm trying to prevent my chances of getting cancer.

That person then responds with one (or all) of the following:
1. "Wow"
2. "I'm sorry"
3. total blank stare and silence
4. "You're so brave"

Luckily, no one has said:
1. "You're crazy"
2. "Why would you do that"
3. "You're mutilating your body"
4. "I really don't support you in this"

I've heard from other mutants who have had to respond to something like that... and honestly, I don't know what I would say.  Or, actually, I probably wouldn't say anything.  I'd try to just walk away.  Or maybe swing a punch.  Okay, let's get real... knowing me, I'd barrage the person with so many swear words and "how dare you" and "you don't know me" that they'd feel like I had actually punched them.

The worst thing anyone's said to me was in an email, that said "That sounds awful."  And that was it.  Nothing after that.  Wow.

Anyway... back to my point.  I've been thinking a lot about the brave/courage thing, and why so many people keep telling me I'm brave.  Or courageous.  Or another word that's similar to that.

Because, Good God, I do NOT feel brave.  And instinctively, I don't think what I'm doing is brave.  So I've been thinking a lot about it, and here are some of those thoughts, in the most rambling, stream of conscious way (you know, the way I write, that you've come to love).  

Okay, here comes some serious nerd talk.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

I've been thinking a lot lately about literary heroes.  In particular, Frodo Baggins and Harry Potter.  There are others too, but for the moment, let's just focus on those two guys.

When I read the books, or watch the Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter movies, sometimes I get scared.  Particularly when people are being chased.  Or I get scared by the pervasive sense that these two heroes are on a journey that they're stuck to - they must throw that ring in the fire, or kill Lord Voldemort.  Not because they want to (and at times, they really don't want to), but because they have to.  And even though Frodo and Harry are scared, they have to do it.  There's really no choice.

I was talking to someone last week, and I explained my situation, and my decision to have the mastectomy.  Like most others, she told me I was brave.  I said, "I'm not brave - I have to do this.  I don't have a choice."  And this gal said that of course I have I choice.  That you always have a choice.

That got me thinking.  I feel like I don't have a choice because I have already made my other choices.  I've chosen to live my life as I want to.  For as long as I can.  I've chosen to take care of myself for me, and the people I love.  I've chosen to not succumb to cancer, and to fight it any way I have to.  So, because those are my choices, I don't have to think twice about the big decision. (but that doesn't mean I'm not scared shitless.  It just means that fear really has nothing to do with it)

Sometimes it helps to think about big heroes.  Why do you think I keep talking about the X-Men so much?  I'm thinking Ulysses. Clarissa Dalloway.  The Count of Monte Cristo.  Anna Karenina.  Mr. Darcy.  Jane Eyre.  Atticus Finch.  The Doctor's Wife.  Mr. Kurtz.  And those are just the fictional ones.  

   "Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show."  - Charles Dickens, David Copperfield