THE LAST TIME I write about H1N1

This whole H1N1 thing is such a gong-show.  When I asked you to get the shot last week before visiting me, I didn’t know it was going to be near-impossible to get the damn thing.  So, basically, don’t worry about it.  I’m going to try and get the shot myself in the next couple of days (going to go lineup tomorrow morning).  Once I’m vaccinated, I’ll be immune, even if I do come into contact with the virus.  And that’s the most important thing.

For the rest of you – if it does get easier to be vaccinated in the next few weeks, then yes, I encourage you to get the shot.  But if it remains near-impossible, then it’s okay.  Just use your best judgment... Wash your hands often, and if you (or anyone around you) is sick, or even starts to feel a tiny bit sick, then don’t come near me.  And definitely don’t come to the hospital unless you’re feeling 100%.

I’m now letting this go – it has stressed me out so much in the last few days.  I’m sure we’ll all be fine.

H1N1 update

Okay, so I just read that healthy adults aren't allowed to get the H1N1 vaccine next week.  It's still only going to be available for priority groups.   I will qualify for this, but the rest of you probably won't.

So I'm going to try and get the shot next week, but the rest of you - just get it as soon as you can.  Which might not be for a while, so just do the best you can.  This whole thing is such a mess.

Basically, if you're at all sick, or have been around people who are sick, please don't come near me.   And when you do come near me, bathe yourself in Purell.

GET THE SHOT.

I heard from Dr. Hofer's office, and they say yes, get the H1N1 vaccine.  So I'm definitely getting the shot.

Now I just have to figure out a way to get it.  I called my doctor's office, and they said I might be able to get it from them on Tuesday, but they're not sure yet because they're awaiting their shipment.  So I'm going to wait until Monday (which is fine because I still have a cold and couldn't get the shot until then anyway - I need a few more days to recover).  Then on Monday, I'm going to call my doctor's office again.  If they can get me the shot on Monday or Tuesday, I'll go to them.

But... if I can't get it from them on Monday or Tuesday, I'm going to take my iPod and a book (and a giant container of Purell), put on a face mask, and go wait in line with everyone else.

That's not going to be fun.  But remember, waiting in line for 3 hours is still better than having to be put on a respirator.

NEW RULE: IF YOU WANT TO SEE ME BETWEEN NOW AND CHRISTMAS, YOU MUST GET THE SWINE FLU VACCINE.  And you have to get it at least 7 days before seeing me.  So go get it.  Soon.  And if you think the vaccine is harmful, then you aren't allowed to see me.  You can email me and call me only.

Sister love (and extended family too)

This is a great piece that was on Good Morning America on Monday, featuring 5 sisters, 4 of whom have the BRCA 2 genetic mutation, and have breast cancer.

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Family/sisters-battle-breast-cancer/story?id=8913835

I love what they say about family support.  And they offer excellent tips about vigilance and screening.

I also found it interesting when the one sister who is not a mutant talks about her guilt.  It's like survivor guilt, and it makes sense, and shouldn't be brushed aside. 

Swine Flu freak out

I'll fully admit it - I'm having a freak out.  An irrational, stress-ball, almost-pointless, good ol' fashioned freak out.  And it's all about swine flu.

Thank you CBC, your scare-mongering and over-coverage of the H1N1 "pandemic" is working.  A week ago, I didn't care about the swine flu vaccine, and now it's all I think about.  (okay, for the last hour at least)

Dr. Hofer told me not to worry about the H1N1 stuff.  He basically brushed it off.  But that was last week, when the vaccine wasn't available yet, and when healthy kids weren't dropping dead (again, CBC, your scare-mongering is working).

So now the vaccine is available, and it's free, so there's really no reason to not get it.  Except two things - I have a cold (getting better every day, but still sicky), and I'm having surgery in 14 days.  Since I don't know what to do, I called Ansley's mother-in-law, a public health nurse, and asked her opinion.  It's so nice to have professionals who I can rely on!  She told me to check with Dr. Hofer's office again just to be sure, and then get the vaccine.

So I called Dr. Hofer's office and left a message, saying that I'm thinking of getting the vaccine in the next few days (after my cold passes, of course), unless they tell me not to. 

I'm waiting to hear back from them, and I'll do whatever they say.  If they say to get the vaccine, then I'm going to go stand in line and get the shot.  If they say not to, then I'll trust their judgment and leave it at that.  Freak-out over, panic averted.  I trust Dr. Hofer and his team, and I'll do what they say.  It's not good for me to be panicky.  Stress = sick.

No matter what, I'm going to limit my exposure to public spaces in the next two weeks.  And as Ansley said, "bathe in Purell".  And new rule: everyone who comes in contact with me post-surgery MUST HAVE THE VACCINE.  That means all of you.  If you haven't had the shot, don't come near me.

Sick.

Ugggh I have a really bad cold.  Or maybe it's flu, but I think it's a cold.  I guess it's okay to be sick now because I should recover in time for surgery (still have 2 weeks to go).  But it really sucks to be feeling so crummy. 

Ian's taking great care of me.  He calls it his practice run. 

Feathering my nest

Ian and I have wanted a gas fireplace ever since we moved into our house.  It's so nice to come in from the cold and get cozy in front of a fire.  And since I'm going to be recovering at home for weeks after the surgery, comfort and coziness are key.

I'm so happy that we now have a gas fireplace, complete with marble surround and wood mantel, completed today!  Now I just have to figure out what piece of artwork or whatever to hang above it...

Here are pictures:

Finally, some answers

On Tuesday I went to see Dr. Hofer (plastic surgeon doing my fat transplant).  I had 2 pages of questions for him, and he calmly answered all of them in his super-relaxed reassuring way.  Maybe it's the slight Scandinavian accent that puts me at ease, or it's just his demeanor.  Just like the last time I met with him, I left the appointment feeling pleased and confident that I have such a great surgeon.  This guy is THE BEST.

Dr. Hofer told me not to bother with the H1N1 vaccine (he thinks the whole H1N1 thing is blown way out of proportion).  He said I don't need to get a fancy surgery bra or sports bra or other type of compression garment, which I worried about.  He said he may or may not cut my belly button, depending on what happens in the surgery.  He said I don't need to donate some of my own blood, and I don't need to worry about avoiding certain medications before the surgery.

At one point, I think he looked at me a bit funny - kind of like, where are all these questions coming from?   And honestly, I think it's because I'm over-informed.  I've been reading the message boards on the FORCE website, and doing lots of googling, etc etc.  I have to remember that most of the people on there are in other cities, and in other situations.   Just because they said they needed a compression garment doesn't mean that I have to get one.  Some of the information online is helpful, but most of it just makes me worry that I'm forgetting something.

I'm going to try to stop reading all that junk, and just trust Dr. Hofer and the team I have here in Toronto.  It makes me more relaxed to stop worrying about it, and trust that I'm in good hands, and we'll deal with things as they come up.  Dr. Hofer has a whole team of people that are available for questions 24 hours a day, so I know I'm taken care of.

One question I asked Dr. Hofer was if he could put me in touch with another one of his patients who has had the DIEP procedure (that's the type of fat transplant I'm having).  Through the mutant club (aka the BRCA support group), I've met a few ladies who did implant reconstruction with Dr. Hofer, but never anyone who did DIEP.  Dr. Hofer said he just happened to have a DIEP patient in the other room, and he would see if she'd like to talk to me.  Yes!!!

The gal said sure, and came into my room, and we chatted for about 10 minutes.  She's young, and has the exact same genetic mutation that I do, so we're really similar.  She had her fat transplant about a year ago, and she showed me her foobies and her abdominal scar.  Her foobies LOOKED AMAZING.  She had her nipple reconstruction done, but not the tattooing, so you could still see the scars from the surgery.  But the foobies themselves looked so good.  She even let me touch them - they felt "real".  Her abdominal scar was pretty big - I'm sure it will fade in time, but it was still a giant scar running right across her belly, from hip to hip.  I know, it's covered by your pants and everything, but still, I think it's going to take me some time to get used to that scar.

Anyway, this gal went on to tell me all about her fat transplant.  She didn't have any complications, but she was in the hospital for 8 days.  When she went home, her drains were already taken out.  She has two small children, so she said it took a couple weeks to get back on her feet, but by week 4 she was out and about.  After 2 months she was completely back to normal.

Then, as her swelling went down, she noticed that she had a bit of an indent (for lack of a better word) at the top of her foobies.  So she told Dr. Hofer about it, and he said no problem, and took some fat from her thigh and injected it up there.  Voila, no more indent.  Perfect foobie shape.  Then, when she had her nipple reconstruction, the nipples pointed down.  She told Dr. Hofer about it, and he said no problem, and did a little skin tuck and made the nipples stand at attention.  No problem.

Why this is interesting is because I've now learned that the fat transplant is not the be-all, end-all one-step procedure that I thought it was.  Yes, it's the big surgery, and they're going to do the best they can.  But I've learned that "touch ups" are pretty normal, and totally acceptable.  THIS IS FANTASTIC NEWS.  I was so afraid that I would recover from the fat transplant, and find that I didn't like my foobies, and then be really upset and hate my body.  But that's not the case - apparently almost anything can be fixed.  Of course, I would need to weigh the pros and cons of additional surgical procedures.  But it's nice to know that I have options.  The lady I was talking to said that Dr. Hofer is the best and he is an artist and he can do amazing things.

I feel so much better now.

What are you afraid of?

People have been asking me how I've been doing (thank you for asking), and I often say that I'm doing well, trying not to think about the surgery too much, trying to enjoy the time I have now, etc.  Sometimes I do say that I'm scared though, and then sometimes people will ask me what I'm scared of.  Not in a rude way (like, what do you have to be scared of, this is easy), but in a way to gently prompt me to think about it a bit.

So I've been giving it a bit of thought.  Because the more you think about what you're afraid of, the more you can do to conquer your fear, right?  Or, so I hope.

I'm scared of the obvious stuff - the surgery itself, complications, pain, nausea, constipation (sorry to be graphic, but it happens), nasty hospital food, more pain, getting H1N1 flu and delaying the surgery, getting H1N1 flu while I'm recovering (that would be the worst), more pain, being uncomfortable, not being able to sleep properly, being bored, and oh yeah, more pain.

But that's all manageable, I guess.  Or at least, it's going to happen regardless, so I might as well be cool and roll with it.

Then there's the big stuff that I'm afraid of.  What if the fat transplant fails?  What if my body rejects my foobies?  What if I get tissue necrosis?  And the number one thing I'm afraid of - what if I don't like the way I look after all this is done?  What if I don't like my foobies?  What if my giant scars are hideous and ugly and make me hate my body?

Those are the things I'm afraid of that aren't so easy to brush away.  I guess the only thing to do is just wait and see.  Because even though I'm scared, I'm not turning back.  I'm still definitely going to do this.  I just might have a panic attack (or 40) before then.  Uggggh.

I'm pissy.

I'm in a bad mood. Not quite sure why exactly; nothing specifically rotten happened to me today. I'm just in a pissy mood. Kind of sad, kind of angry, and all around pissy.

My surgery is 4 weeks from today. That's probably why I'm in a bad mood. I'm finding this time so difficult. It's too far away to get really worked up, but it's too close to feel like it's some far-off thing. I've been trying to not think about it - just put my head down and get work done. Works most days, but obviously not today.

I think I'm going to take the rest of the day off. Stop working and go watch TV and play with the dog. And tonight we're going to see one of my favourite bands play, so I want to perk up for that.

Run for The Cure Photos

Took a little while to get these online, but here they are. Photos of Team Spaceships and Toddlers, doing it up right.

Appointments, appointments

I got a call on Monday from Toronto General Hospital saying that I have a pre-admittance appointment on October 29, and I am supposed to come in with my insurance info, any medications I'm on, etc.  I kind of freaked out when I got the message, because it sounded like they wanted me to come and have the surgery on October 29.  So I called back right away in a bit of a panic, but found out that it's just for mountains of paperwork and bloodwork and other administrative details, and my surgery is still as planned on November 12.  The lady on the phone seemed surprised that I was so surprised, and she said, "didn't anyone tell you about this?".  Ummm... no!

That's when I realized I need more info.  The control freak in me has risen to overdrive, and I want to know all about everything I'm going to do.

So I called Dr. Hofer's office and made an appointment to see him on October 20.  He's going to take pictures of my boobies so he can make the foobies look as much like them as possible.  And I'm going to ask him a mountain of questions again, including, WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO MY BELLY BUTTON?!?  I read online that belly buttons get sliced in DIEP procedures.  Which, when you think about it, really isn't a big deal.  But I just didn't know about it.  So I freaked about that too.  Apparently they make you a fake one in the surgery (fake belly button = felly button, kind of like fake boobies = foobies).  I have half a mind to ask them to not make one, and then I could go around telling people that I was immaculately conceived.  But I think the giant scar across my abdomen would give me away.

In other news, you'll see that I've added a countdown thingy over there to the left.  At the time of writing this, my boobies have 33 days and 6 hours left to live.  Any last requests, boobies?

Fat Transplant photos

I'm not going to post photos on here of me.  No "before and afters", and definitely no "during" shots.  I just don't want to.  For those of you that want to see it, just ask, and I'll flash you.

But for those of you who do want to see photos of what my fat transplant is going to look like, here are some "before and afters".  This is a pretty good group of photos, but be sure to read the description at the top - some of them don't apply to my situation.  I'm having a BILATERAL DIEP FLAP RECONSTRUCTION.  Bilateral = both boobies, DIEP FLAP = the fat's coming from my abdomen.  Some of the images in this gallery are from LAT flaps, which means the fat is coming from that person's back.  And some of them are unilateral reconstructions, which means only one booby was reconstructed.

Here's the link:
http://www.prma-enhance.com/index.cfm/Action/Gallery/GalleryID/24479/PageID/1946/ProcedureNameID/19

And the winning mutant is...

I had a poll going for a while in that space over there to the left: "If you were a mutant, which one would you be?"

The results are in, and the winner is: Colossus.  Colossus's power is that he can transform into living organic metal form, granting vast superhuman strength and near-invulnerability. Can survive without oxygen or sustenance for long periods while in this form.

It's important to note that this poll was completely biased, as Ian voted over and over again, throwing the results.  Colossus is Ian's favourite X-Man.   So really, the winner should have been Storm.  MY favourite X-lady.  But Ian, I'm gonna let you have this one.

Wow.

Someone I know posted this on Facebook, and I had to check it out.  THIS IS HILARIOUS.

I posted it here because I was told that I won't be able to ride in a car for a while after my surgery, because the seat belt would be uncomfortable (and potentially dangerous) to my foobs (fake boobs).  But wait!  There's the Tiddy Bear!

I love my husband.

This article made me smile.  Ian definitely holds my purse for me.  At all appointments.  I wasn't blessed with the BRCA gene, but I am honestly blessed to have Ian.  (okay, you can go barf now)

http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/magazine/articles/2009/10/04/will_he_hold_your_purse/

We walked for the cure!

Today was a great day - the rain held off during the Run for the Cure, and I strolled down the streets of Toronto with my closest friends and my dog.  And then we all ate yummy food afterward.  

I have photos to share, but I'm not sure where my digital camera is.  I think Ansley has it.  So photos are to come...

Gratitude, fun, and (hopefully) no rain

Tomorrow is the Run for the Cure (or, in our case, the Walk for the Cure).  Our team of Spaceships and Toddlers is all ready, with a record 16 members.  Here's hoping it doesn't rain during the actual walk - that would stink.  But even so, we'll be out there.

Run for the Cure is always emotional, and of course, this year more than ever.  I'm so grateful for my friends and family that will be with me tomorrow.  And thank you to those that made a donation to the Breast Cancer Foundation - I raised $1000!!!  Amazing!

Feelin' the love

Thank you to those that have sent lovely emails, phone calls, random notes of support.  I feel your love and encouragement, and it really does help keep me going.

Don't stop!  Keep calling me!  I love to hear from all of you.  I am so grateful for the wonderful people in my life.