What are you afraid of?

People have been asking me how I've been doing (thank you for asking), and I often say that I'm doing well, trying not to think about the surgery too much, trying to enjoy the time I have now, etc.  Sometimes I do say that I'm scared though, and then sometimes people will ask me what I'm scared of.  Not in a rude way (like, what do you have to be scared of, this is easy), but in a way to gently prompt me to think about it a bit.

So I've been giving it a bit of thought.  Because the more you think about what you're afraid of, the more you can do to conquer your fear, right?  Or, so I hope.

I'm scared of the obvious stuff - the surgery itself, complications, pain, nausea, constipation (sorry to be graphic, but it happens), nasty hospital food, more pain, getting H1N1 flu and delaying the surgery, getting H1N1 flu while I'm recovering (that would be the worst), more pain, being uncomfortable, not being able to sleep properly, being bored, and oh yeah, more pain.

But that's all manageable, I guess.  Or at least, it's going to happen regardless, so I might as well be cool and roll with it.

Then there's the big stuff that I'm afraid of.  What if the fat transplant fails?  What if my body rejects my foobies?  What if I get tissue necrosis?  And the number one thing I'm afraid of - what if I don't like the way I look after all this is done?  What if I don't like my foobies?  What if my giant scars are hideous and ugly and make me hate my body?

Those are the things I'm afraid of that aren't so easy to brush away.  I guess the only thing to do is just wait and see.  Because even though I'm scared, I'm not turning back.  I'm still definitely going to do this.  I just might have a panic attack (or 40) before then.  Uggggh.